To be in the moment, to experience the senses… the feelings, the wonders around us.
And I keep on writing, keep on exploring and recording these moments. Because being mindful is a journey in itself – bringing oneself into the body, into nature, into what we feel and see and smell around us. To explore the intricacy of nature, these different perspectives on life… how beautiful these discoveries are.
Sitting at the bench in Maranui cafe, looking over the tables in front of me and beyond – out to the ocean. The expanse of the window – I look over the people, they almost turn to a haze… and concentrate on the beautiful day in front of me, through the glass.
The mighty ocean. The deep blue in the distance, how this suddenly changes to an almost murky green- like someone has drawn a line across the sea. The tiny specks of white flitting across its surface. The far away rocks protruding out of the blue waters, the surrounding white lines of the sea as it crashes up against their harsh surface. Every so often a plume of white, like smoke, explodes over them, as a huge wave cascades around the barrier in their way. Moving closer, I start to see the waves rolling and undulating as they come towards me. The tiny bob of a bright orange buoy stands out amongst the cold blue. The ripples in the waves, the bubbles on its surface, the power of the waves crashing into each other, becoming one in existence. Watching the sea ebb and flow as the tide slowly encroaches on the beach.
Gah! The sea. The powerful entity in front of me. It’s vast expanse. The sheer power of watching nature beat its heart. And yet there is more.
Staring out at the sky. The pale blue that pokes above the grey and white clouds across the horizon, how even though I can’t see the sun, I can see it’s rays glistening on the surface of a cloud – making it shine whiter and brighter than it’s sisters. The hills that protrude upwards from the ocean, meeting the sky. Trying to reach, yet not quite making it. The clouds rolling over its highest peaks, trying to meet, trying to become one, and yet they’re so different. The darker greens, almost grey, the pale green and yellow, the shadow of the clouds. The undulating surface of the hills, the lines and cracks upon its surface. It’s almost as if I’m feeling what nature is. My mind struggles to put into words what my senses are seeing and feeling, what my heart is telling me. How I can feel the blood flowing excitedly through my veins, my heart pumping the feeling of sheer joy and empowerment at looking upon this scene.
Forgetting the noise of people, and machines, and music, and clatter of dishes and cutlery around me. Encompassing these sounds, putting my mind and body and soul into this moment. Looking upon this moment with almost nervousness at how awesome this feels. It’s like I’m high. It’s like I’m flying. It’s like my mind has left this physical presence, and is free from the daily struggle of human existence.
And yet this struggle. This is a part of existence, of being human. The mind can play tricks, we can easily get lost in its deepest, darkest and terrible thoughts. How easy it is to lose sight of ourself, of the life we live, of the incredible wonder of nature around us, of this world. Reminding myself daily that these thoughts that overtake my mind… the more I encourage them, the deeper they delve, the harder it makes it to escape, the easier it is for them to take over.
Remembering these moments, these feelings. The comfort and security in my surroundings. The beauty of life on this earth – nature’s incredible healing powers. Not encouraging my thoughts, not giving them the power to take over my life again. Of being content in this experience of living. The power of love and acceptance and healing. The power of feeling, of experiencing, of understanding, even of pain and suffering. Because this is a part of living, this is a part of learning. This is what it means to be human.
The darkness. Looking up at the night sky. The orange circular glow of the moon reflected in the clouds above me. The stars, some shining brighter, glistening against the black. There aren’t many out tonight. The clouds get in their way, as if shielding me from their brilliance. Trying to hold me back.
The crash of the waves against the sand and rocks. The momentary calm as another comes, waiting to fall.
It’s haunting me.
How nature is so oblivious, so divine, so beautiful, and yet it doesn’t know I’m here. Doesn’t feel my presence. Doesn’t understand the reason why I’m here.
But it’s also comforting.
These sounds. The cold. The feel of the sand beneath my feet. The constant rumble of water forced against rock. This present moment in time, how these things don’t judge me, don’t hide from me.
But I feel alone.
Lost in the magnificence of creation in front of me.
I’m so small. So insignificant.
The darkness encasing me. Bringing me in. Huddled on this log. Nothing can see me, no one can find me.
The weight of existence falling upon my shoulders. The curse of life wanting to leave me.
What is it to be alive. To be consumed by worry and fear and doubt. To be consumed by humanity’s sinful essence. Oh to be swallowed by the power of nature. To feel at one with this world.
Who am I? How insignificant my footsteps. How little they seem amongst this vast expanse.
But this is my one shot. My one chance at life. My one chance to make a difference, my one chance to matter.
And all I can do is try. All I can do is take a step.
Take a step forwards.
A time for reflection and contemplation.
A time to leave behind the worries of existence.
A time to focus on this moment, these sounds. The powerful entity surrounding me.
I keep coming back to the sea. I keep looking for meaning and solace in its movements. And I’m writing. It’s like my head is full of words, wanting to escape, wanting to be told.
Attempting to understand these feelings. To restore my mind, to bring me back to life.
The sea. The sound of the waves slowly breaking. The calm trickle of the water against the rocks as the tide slowly ebbs and flows. The translucency, I can see through. See below it’s surface. The pebbles on the seabed, the seaweed – it’s tentacles latched onto the stones.
But I can’t seem to fathom its meaning.
I can’t seem to put myself into this moment. I can’t seem to stop the tight feeling in my chest.
I breathe deeply. Feel the shivers as the wind starts to pummel me. Not wanting to leave this spot. Not wanting to face up to the thing that worries me most.
I’m trying not to listen to my thoughts. Trying to not let them pull me under. Trying to stay strong because I know I need to. I know I have it in me.
Looking to the horizon. The change in colour of cloud, the lines of grey. It’s raining in the distance. And somehow I wish it would rain here. That the rain would fall and I could feel it. Feel the water on my face. Feel the trickle down my neck. To make me clean, to restore my soul.
The vast expanse of ocean that stretches out before me. I feel like I’m nothing in comparison. Just a small person sitting on a rock, waiting for life to take hold. To gather the strength to continue.
And I know I am capable. I know I don’t have to believe these thoughts. But these thoughts turn to feeling. And this feeling consumes me.
But I know there is more than this. I know I can make it. I know I can experience it. Because this life is precious, this life is incredible. To sit and look upon nature, there’s no better feeling than this.
To sit in silence. To listen to the sounds around me. The birds, the hum of traffic, a plane beginning its journey, the waves on the ocean. It’s these sounds that bring me back. These sounds that help me move forward. These sounds that make me realise that life is worth living.